Distant

all the things we never bother to talk about-theyre killing me-cant even figure out what im trying to hold onto-and why I would even try Sad that you have left But something is made quite clear You are no further removed from me with 500 miles between us, Than when you were right here. Unattached and distant, Not wanting to get too close And then to act as if oblivious I guess that’s what got to me the most. The subtle changes Intentional or unaware? Preoccupied with various thoughts, Neither chose to share. You seem not to be bothered I don’t know where to start. Alternate Agendas and Separate missions Complete disconnection of Mind, bodies and heart. Silenced By the wondering thoughts Plagued with nagging doubts, Bombarded Questioning… I usually do without. Disturbed by the onslaught of sudden miss-trust On my own I wrestle with things we should have discussed. Not very long ago Silliness was easily dismissed Until you made it such an issue That we had open mouth kissed. I didn’t understand your apparent disgust then I don’t care to understand it now Im just trying to put it all together in some kind of order, So maybe I can possibly understand somehow. It started out friendly and nearly hassle free I made the mistake of thinking We enjoyed each others company. Perhaps we overdid it Or took for granted the time we spent I noticed several changes But never asked what they meant It seemed perhaps almost trivial To mention each and every little thing And you nonchalant way of shrugging it off As really no big thing. If nothing else , I considered you as friend Until you told me you had none, I wasn’t anything other than usual When you are just fucking someone! So now that we seem to no longer fuck I might as well scream why I think you suck! One of the many That I must make mention Our dwindling to nothing sex life Is a high source of tension Perhaps you are just no longer attracted, Or those messages you ignore when im around Maybe you are just distracted. No longer feel anything close to being desired Your simple “Thank you “after orgasm, Makes me feel like someone you hired You used to tell me I was beautiful And made me feel that way But now it always disrespectful And im hurt by the things you say. Just one of your sluts As you so charmingly put it How can I be a slut When we don’t even fucking do it? From beautiful to slut Compliments replaced by hurtful rips and seemingly obligation of occasional kiss Are given with thin tightly closed lips

Discarded without given reason
left to wonder why
you are a narcisstic sociopath
who swears he doesn't lie
you hide from accountability
in such a cowardly way
never intending for a minute
to supply what you say
offer no explanation ,
although Ive called your bluff
no excuse for your hateful actions
you've simply had enough
your twisted ways of viewing
the actions you justify
narcisstic pathological and delusional
a liar who claims he doesn't lie
witholding truth, creating situations that otherwise would not exist
chalk em up, dish em out
and scratch me off your list
and when you think ive forgiven
as if Im oblivious to what you have done
you pull out another intrusive action
and project that IM THE offensive ONE
you purposely avoid that wich might reveal the game you play
and actively submerse yourself in fantasy decieving in every way
I played the fool
for way too long
dealing with your insane accusations
your perception of the truth is
more than distorted, its wrong.

Dear Jane

My "dear Jane" letter much to my surprise
was 2 lines; an apology , reference in past tense
without further ado our end summarized.

Much like the recipients name space
already been forgotten or intentionally left blank
you ve placed me in the past put behind you
while I still struggle to think.

your apology adds to my confusion
you guess, you wanted, you did and you're sorry
I had a break down in a hooptie ( theoreticaly speaking)
and you broke out a ferrari...
it didnt work but you really tried
I put all my eggs in one basket
and although you wanted them scrambled
they were more like southern fried

you really did love
we just werent meant to be
those times that meant the world to you
cant help but to agree.

you did try, did love me
but love you I still do
You arent willing to change a thing
done...over...Through

just like magik
you decide
come go
get off the ride

Just like that
so quick to detach
your deeds and doings
never match

i love you
i hate you
I know I never knew you

Real or Fantasy

Real, am I?
Fantasy? I could be…
But does the real satisfy me?
Some would only stare
Others may even drool
While others may envision another
As they begin to stroke their tool
Your cock is hardening
Your balls feel tight
If things go well
You’ll get laid tonight
Excitement building
The bulge in your pants grows
Thinking about the profiles you have seen
And now the ones you chose
Fantasies to fulfill
Needs to satisfy
And partake in lusty activities
Meant to gratify
Imagine my body
eager for your touch
May need you to use a bit of creativity,
But really it doesn’t take all that much
Its your fantasy
go ahead and dream
That I am hot and horny
And how you are gonna make me scream….
You imagine giving it to me like I have never had it before
Bucking and squirming and screaming for more
Imagiine in your mind ,my naked body as you feast your eyes,
And your cock hardens with desire focusing on the center of my thighs,
Imagine it hot, moist and glistening pink
So inviting, you wanna bury your face in its nectar and drink,
Probe your tongue between my pussy lips,
And stroke my clit with your finger tips
Pulses quicken, so does the pace
I reach for your cock as I cum on your face
I lick your cock once then twice
Ands then swallow it all,…isn’t that nice??
Balls in hand cock in mouth
Suck stroke massage squeeze
Pleasure you while on my knees ,
We spoke of this moment
And how it would be,
Desired things you would do to me
And the ways you’d take me to X2C
Sex loving hours spent
Touch here, stroke there
Kiss my pussy as you shave me bare
Playful hands that cup and squeeze,
And bring a shaking to my knees…
sometymes random other tymes determined skill,
Mastering a lovers art, a deep erotic thrill
Minds that delve and hands that explore
Everything and then something more
Fantasy we would bring to life, for real
Erotic sensations, pleasures to feel
Of come and go
Here and went
All those wasted hours spent
Touch here, stroke there
As long as you are satisfied, you don’t really care
Roaming hands , lips that suck
Oh baby you want me!! lets fuck!!
U want to cum already
I should have not made you wait so long
Cuz after all,
What was I waiting for?
The experience has left me wanting more
The mood is set, candles lit,
You grab my pussy squeeze my tit
Throw me down and tell me Im the shit!!
Ram your cock in, pull it out
Yeah that’s the shit Im talking about
One more tyme then just for fun,
You slam it hard and then you’re done
Real is over as quick as it began,….
Oh yeah baby you certainly are the man!!
It happens, yes,more than once
But if twas my fantasy I'll not let it happen twice
I swallow it all, and smile-that’s nice!!
Real? I am…
Fantasy ?I can be
But the real of it all,
is the fantasy
is what satisfies me

no escape?

This is what I was referring to...it just doesnt work....anything I give example to you would say I made up...I wouldnt have to make it up if you told me what really went on...since you dont you wont, its safe to say my little story in my head is true, but you will never admit confess breakdown or in any way shape or form sway from your portrayal of perfection.. Yes I feel you have wronged me. Period end of story=- you can say that you havent. I made it up,,,I caused it....I did the action myself....yes I feel you wronged me. You delivered things to me in ways I would never do to another human being-and I cant argue with you about it, cuz you havent done anything wrong you never do anything wrong or incorrectly or in imporoer timing- Your truth is different than the one I know or experience...(I know Im delusional crazy fucking bitch...I just cant get it right) Ill never get it right bwecause you dont give it to me right- I cant change you I dont want to change you....there can be no change if there isnt anything that changes- .there can never be any understanding to any situation when it is like that...the only thing I can do is change that...because you wont/cant/refuse to view it that way/or choose to believe that I created the scenario....IMaybe you and whomever u choose , whatever you choose , your partner or your position..hopefully it works for you...good luck... I have a one sided relationship that I know both sides of all I ever wanted was a partner that felt I deserved the other side as it was not as intended or wished, or pretended, or played the part for it to be and I can never/could never/ will never have that/share that/ with you.
and yes I do believe i was the only one hurt by the situation, I dont believe that you are capeable of feelings, I think you hide from your real feelings and act accordingly, but not always in the proper time frame or with the proper participants. You are right puit together by none other than your mouth,,,,it is what I make up and that works for you because you can deny it and be honest in your denial because thats not exactly the way that it happened....and therefore never have to own up to how close or far off from the truth my fabrication was and you can go on about tending to whatever you want to tend to, and feel justified because you are angry at being accused,and rightly so because you havent done what you are accused of but never disclose any ownership to any of it....
I will always care about you and wonder why you chose the path and delivery the way you did....i also know that any expectations I have of deserving to know, are mute deaf and will remain dumb in your eyes forever...or never even considered because they are ludicras to you at the getgo. I could ask all the wuestions I want and at the end of the session, the argument instigated would be my own, the results same as we've known them to be and none of my questions would have any answers...because of course I am insane and dont get it and never will...
I dont see where I fit in with your life, why you would want to now include me in parts of your life that have always been kept from me from the beginning. I dont fit in where I can get in and find it extremely unsatisfying, very disturbing...and once again its of my own creation as for the reverse of that...well I dont do drugs anymore, I have a job that I cant fuck off because I cant keep my head on straight, I have people that love and support me and the decisions I make instead of labeling me a loon, people who explain things that dont make sense instead of telling me I caused the scenario or making it out as if i did and friends and family that I can spend the holidays with because I AM a part of the family and there is no reason to be ashamed of knowing me, loving me or wanting to be with me...so I just dont see where you fit into that picture....nor can I remember a time of ever thinking you wanted to.I can mark the days off a calender for 2 years I spent in a relationship with you as being Alone most of the time. for ur family birthdays and get togethers, Christmas and New years.....You chose with who and where you wanted to be...and of course you have every right to make those decisions...and you did....I had no part in those decisions but yes a ton of regret came with every decision you made.I dont think we even spent Valentines day you and I but what does that matter This year Ill make it up to the fool who fell in love with you and let herself be discarded, disregarded time and time again....Im gonna love her like no man has ever been able to love, and she is gonna smile as if she had a thousand lovers and never ever let herself feel unloved again...
Please dont try to destroy that happiness, just because you can

A letter to Shame

Dear Shame,

You no longer reside in me …
You came uninvited …
You snuck up on me …
I’m erasing all the faces you used …
Your history no longer has power over me …
I am no longer your slave …
For the truth has set me free … it wasn’t my fault …
I was a victim … I committed no crime …
But that’s what you do, you lie, you confuse …
You point fingers when the problem is you …
How dare you demand I stay quiet …
Silence was the biggest weapon you held over me …
I have no relation with you … this day I break free …
I realize you are just a lie, created to keep me down …
Today you’re evicted … it’s been way too long …
There’s a life that’s waiting for me …
The prison you kept me in … I’ve now found the key …
I have a voice … I will no longer remain silent … I’m breaking free
I demand you go somewhere else …
You no longer reside in me …



I did not write this, but certainly have felt it...

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/01/06/letters-to-lovefraud-to-the-liar-named-shame/

a narcistic noose

The fantasy was good while it lasted. For a brief moment in time you mamaged to keep up the charade that you were a decent human being, The scam is up. You are not in any way genuine. I dont even know if you are human. If in fact you are, I would have to say that you are definately souless. this is the last of futile energy that I will waste on you. im sick to death of the constant game, the lies yet you preach you are the walking epitome of truth...you make me sick...that is all I can say. you make me fucking sick



From: "T,Moore"
To: rob holmes
Sent: Monday, December 19, 2011 12:12 AM
Subject: you have destroyed and warped things so much im not even going to bother finishing


these fears have manifested into a defense mechanism, in which they distort your view and or interaction with men. the desire not to know any more pain feeds the drive to control your relationships, and not be controlled. yet it is just a perception of control. there is not such thing as control in love. shouldn't be that is. one has to love the other for which they do of their own free will. So to avoid the pain of hearth ache you don't allow your self to love. you in stead use. use meaningless men; their attention of any sort as comfort, but destroy any relationship which has depth. its in your mind that there is only pain at the end of the road. how do you know? if you dont follow the path to its end, if you don"t ever get close enough to find out, then your right all you will be left with is your own pain.


There is NO WAY to avoid heartache if you truly love. There will always be pain of some sort to come along when you are capeable of truly loving someone. People who try to aVOID HEARTACHE ARE NOT CAPEABLE OF LOVING... iNVESTIGATE THIS....GO AHEAD CHECK IT OUT...this is known,,it is not simply my opinion.

The highligghted startement of your OPINION =So to avoid the pain of hearth ache you don't allow your self to love. you in stead use
use meaningless men; their attention of any sort as comfort, but destroy any relationship which has depth.
THIS IS YOUR OWN TWISTED PERCEPTION AND HOW YOU JUSTIFY THE THINGS YOU DO OR IT IS IN FACT HOW YOU SEE THEM IN OTHERS BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU DO THINGS
AND OF COURSE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN OPINION ...AND I WILL LEAVE YOU TO ENJOY YOU OPINION, BECAUSE IT IS THE MOST INNAPPROPRIATE OPINION TO HAVE PLACED ON ME...but to each his own.

very ironic that you said that I use meaningless men use thier attentioon of any sort as comfort but destroy any rerlationship with any depth...

i say nothing I lose I say something I lose...I lose nothing to say something neither do i gain anything but silence if Im silent -

the only relationship I have had recently is sadly very shallow in its existence ,,,and happens to be with you...It is already known we are of different opinions and views which both are entitled to be . But I feel very much like you have digested information and without anything further you have cast judgment and satisfied yourself with the experience having factual basis because it sits well with you, your perception and the situation as you see it...it works for you because nothing else did so you are okay with it. Im not okay with it, it doesnt work for me, its not even close to what really is and in order to specify what it really is I have to resort to telling you its not and why I think that is...And this has never been successful communicating it only adds fire to the argument at hand. and while I have always felt the need to defend myself of your opinion...its nevr going to be effective because you do not use fact to differentiate your opinion from your judgments-

Nice justification rob holmes-if this were a true statement and not your twisted perception the results would be by far differentt,,,think about it...if what you believe in your mind to be the case...your presence would have been eliminated from the equation quite some time ago. what would i be doing with you?? use u for what?

First off ...no man has ever provided me with one comforting thing EVER...not a diaper, pacifier, warm blanket, roof over my head, or escape by means of taking me away from reality by mind blowin orgasm that disconnects my mind from my body, haha cuz who does this really satisy the most?? Answer:The man who IS already disconnected his mind from his body before he started fucking you.......if I was seeking comfort at any time it would be a female that has EVER provided me anything close to comfort...grandma, mom, my girls, girlfriend- comfort food, comfort shopping...comfort warm snuggling blankets, cushy new shoes-NEVER once has the thought crossed my mind that I could/would or even look for "comfort" from a man- so sorry to disillusion your thinking with an opposition that doesnt really matter(to you its just another argument)...it is my defense to your offense...but since im being judged it might as well apply instead of just being heresay.

Second off- when I first met you I had such a radically different perception of who you were, what you were like, things you placed importance on, things you valued...and the concern you placed on how your actions affected another person. I thought you were perfect...so caring. so concerned and just had a genuine heart that really wanted everyone around him to at least be comfortable and secure in thier surroundings...and if you couldnt make them happy well at least you had tried the best you could and provided comfortable living for them and concerned yourself with genuine well being. You had a drive and determination to succeed and damn anyone who might get in the way of that -if they didnt share your drive they were of little worth of your attention. Ihat was exciting and intense
very attractive ...and by all means if I couldnt match them strides you were taking, I was gonna give it my all to be right there behind you. Fear of you getting too far ahead and leaving me behind as not worthy was the only fear I had, I thought pure adrenaline would be enough to suffice where I was possibly lacking in endurance and stamina.
Adrenaline was not going to be a problem, or so I didnt think it ever would be. You made my pulse quicken, my heart beat faster and excitement flow through my veins. YOU took my breath away BUT you always gave it back to me-in the form of a hug, a kiss, your touch, that look you give with your eyes dark and intense and you bite you lower lip...its very vivid in my mind in my body and yeah it still makes me high. ALIKE NO DRUG !!
You were sooooooooo not my type-dark handsome, reserved, intense, directed and so fucking sexy. I wanted you...I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be your adrenaline, your high, your drug...I wanted to be YOURS. 100%, without exceptions, without reservations, without any doubt...I WANTED TO BE YOURS. your everything, your drive your reason your intentions ...even your purpose for existing. I just wanted to be yours. Never for a minute did I ever think to control that, or that you could control that, was never a concern or worry that needed to be considered.

After everything I had been through -miserable relationships, knowing miserable people miserable family life...YOU were different than anyone I had ever known but that was okay, I thought. I never really entertained the idea that we would be together, but I wanted to know you, I wanted to be a part of that "perfect little surroundings" scenario. I WANTED to know what it was like to be loved, respected, trusted and included in a genuine surrounding becuase I was genuine and had never found such a thing, barely even heard of such a thing, and in alll the peoples I had met was really beginning to give up hope that such people-lives-surroundings even existed.

So perhaps in the end,,,it HAS BEEN my perceptions that have been our undoing. Perhaps it was my own selfish nature that is at fault, because of course it is unreasonable to think of one possessing another as thier own...but with all my heart all my soul with all my being I WANTED TO BE YOURS therefore wanting you to be myne...Not to own or to possess or to control or dictate or for any other purpose than to equal that which I wamted to be...YOURS...somehow in all the energies floating around I failed to see this as selfish or self serving ...but it is in all factual purposes a very self centered idea. Wanting to be your self center I lost myself the minute I entertained that thought...because I cannot be found in your center. I wont pretend I know what is your center. I wont assume that you even know what and where your center is and I wont give you my perception or opinion as to where or what I believe to be your unbalances are...
I guess it would be most appropriately put in one final sentence of summary"

I can Never Be Yours...Because You Arent Mine...