Oblivious

Beside myself,
Existing only in a state of disbelief
Taken back by your despicable deeds
Retreating from your obsessive control
Abusive episodes you try to justify
Y? That is the question.
Explain if you possibly could,
Distance is the only thing I want.

 Belittling Me, you just wont stop
You wont let go

Yet constantly push  me farther away
Offer lame apologies, but never rectify.
Unsung, a facetious lullaBYE 

        

Shit, Like This, Pisses Me Off
                                                                                                                                                                                                                             What is wrong with simply just fucking?
   and loving every minute of it?
Live,
no pretense.
Wire.                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    silken smooth bodies glisten in thier heat,
Its so hot!
 Connecting one to the other ,
 seemingly familiar
enemy or lover...
what causes your heart to race?
 Energy
 Electric
 Life...
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                    blood flowing through the veins.                                                                                     
 heat seeking fusion
 living
 loving
 hating
confusion
pulsating
pursuing
Ill- Lusion
Twisted...
.Made into our reality...

What remains?
Tingles up and down my spine
Eratic.. . erotic... Exotic ...and  Toxic...
myne...                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                   Poyzin ..
Elixir divine
reasoning I cant  find.
                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                                     My breath comes faster yet,
My heart beats wicked fast...
It does not beat for you.
I live without you and I forget about you
and you still affect me this way...
 spiraling toward extacy...
 back and forth
 push and pull ,
harder, faster
thrusting me, lusting me
 each glistening breathless body demanding release
I  am close.
 You are closing in
so far apart I don't know where to begin
mine escapes me...its gone...want replaced with cold
Exploding
your hate into me
empty
you emptying your seed                                                                                                                                                                                                                Sensuality transforming natural elements by unnatural means....
Imploding
 Deep
dark
Undoing....much like this sickness seems.
cover me in semen
smother me in potent liquid kisses
Intoxicating
such intensity
swallowed in its immensity
This new found want
 Indescribeable...(UNSPEAKABLE)
Hunger Inside
insatiable untameable
Who decieves in this age old power play? you excite me and delight me and pleasure me in every way...but you don't give me what I deserve...
you cant give me what I need
you hinder my thoughts, I cant think with you this close
but given time to think that's when I hate you the most
beyond a ruined past, we don't share a thing
and the only time I don't hate you...is when we are fucking....   
                    Tying me up and sucking me biting me and fucking me
                              You Did THIS!!
                                                                         You call it Love,   Which doesnt exist
                                                                 Deny Refuse Resist

Solitary SeductionDecember 13, 2009 at 10:58am




There’s a tingle a yearning a pulsing in that quivering little lip,
Hot deep surrounding pleasure senses zone,
Fingers part pretty pink pussy lips
Slips n2 wetness

Wordless whimpers
Desire pulsates in frenzy
Hungrily
Secret fantasies
Explored without limits
Passion
Perversely infectious
Plaything
for a time
Manipulated moments

become realities

silky pleasure sensors satisfied

Solitary Seduction

summary

I wanted to love you forever, Yet settled for right now You said I could love you perfectly You destroyed that somehow. Of purpose, your own devastation course Detached of any emotional involvement No guilt no accountability, no remorse You took from me, and took your fill You emptied me, and you are empty still. How does that happen, where did it go I gave my hopes of a future, To a man I can never know. Snuffed my expectations, Vanished into thin air… Scarred my core so severely I’d never know its there. Childhood fancies of an awaited true love, Superior, Regal and divine Vanish in an instant and forgotten Once upon a time. Twice Ill never see Thrice cursed in existence A multiDimensional … Reality.

Distant

all the things we never bother to talk about-theyre killing me-cant even figure out what im trying to hold onto-and why I would even try Sad that you have left But something is made quite clear You are no further removed from me with 500 miles between us, Than when you were right here. Unattached and distant, Not wanting to get too close And then to act as if oblivious I guess that’s what got to me the most. The subtle changes Intentional or unaware? Preoccupied with various thoughts, Neither chose to share. You seem not to be bothered I don’t know where to start. Alternate Agendas and Separate missions Complete disconnection of Mind, bodies and heart. Silenced By the wondering thoughts Plagued with nagging doubts, Bombarded Questioning… I usually do without. Disturbed by the onslaught of sudden miss-trust On my own I wrestle with things we should have discussed. Not very long ago Silliness was easily dismissed Until you made it such an issue That we had open mouth kissed. I didn’t understand your apparent disgust then I don’t care to understand it now Im just trying to put it all together in some kind of order, So maybe I can possibly understand somehow. It started out friendly and nearly hassle free I made the mistake of thinking We enjoyed each others company. Perhaps we overdid it Or took for granted the time we spent I noticed several changes But never asked what they meant It seemed perhaps almost trivial To mention each and every little thing And you nonchalant way of shrugging it off As really no big thing. If nothing else , I considered you as friend Until you told me you had none, I wasn’t anything other than usual When you are just fucking someone! So now that we seem to no longer fuck I might as well scream why I think you suck! One of the many That I must make mention Our dwindling to nothing sex life Is a high source of tension Perhaps you are just no longer attracted, Or those messages you ignore when im around Maybe you are just distracted. No longer feel anything close to being desired Your simple “Thank you “after orgasm, Makes me feel like someone you hired You used to tell me I was beautiful And made me feel that way But now it always disrespectful And im hurt by the things you say. Just one of your sluts As you so charmingly put it How can I be a slut When we don’t even fucking do it? From beautiful to slut Compliments replaced by hurtful rips and seemingly obligation of occasional kiss Are given with thin tightly closed lips

Discarded without given reason
left to wonder why
you are a narcisstic sociopath
who swears he doesn't lie
you hide from accountability
in such a cowardly way
never intending for a minute
to supply what you say
offer no explanation ,
although Ive called your bluff
no excuse for your hateful actions
you've simply had enough
your twisted ways of viewing
the actions you justify
narcisstic pathological and delusional
a liar who claims he doesn't lie
witholding truth, creating situations that otherwise would not exist
chalk em up, dish em out
and scratch me off your list
and when you think ive forgiven
as if Im oblivious to what you have done
you pull out another intrusive action
and project that IM THE offensive ONE
you purposely avoid that wich might reveal the game you play
and actively submerse yourself in fantasy decieving in every way
I played the fool
for way too long
dealing with your insane accusations
your perception of the truth is
more than distorted, its wrong.

Dear Jane

My "dear Jane" letter much to my surprise
was 2 lines; an apology , reference in past tense
without further ado our end summarized.

Much like the recipients name space
already been forgotten or intentionally left blank
you ve placed me in the past put behind you
while I still struggle to think.

your apology adds to my confusion
you guess, you wanted, you did and you're sorry
I had a break down in a hooptie ( theoreticaly speaking)
and you broke out a ferrari...
it didnt work but you really tried
I put all my eggs in one basket
and although you wanted them scrambled
they were more like southern fried

you really did love
we just werent meant to be
those times that meant the world to you
cant help but to agree.

you did try, did love me
but love you I still do
You arent willing to change a thing
done...over...Through

just like magik
you decide
come go
get off the ride

Just like that
so quick to detach
your deeds and doings
never match

i love you
i hate you
I know I never knew you

Real or Fantasy

Real, am I?
Fantasy? I could be…
But does the real satisfy me?
Some would only stare
Others may even drool
While others may envision another
As they begin to stroke their tool
Your cock is hardening
Your balls feel tight
If things go well
You’ll get laid tonight
Excitement building
The bulge in your pants grows
Thinking about the profiles you have seen
And now the ones you chose
Fantasies to fulfill
Needs to satisfy
And partake in lusty activities
Meant to gratify
Imagine my body
eager for your touch
May need you to use a bit of creativity,
But really it doesn’t take all that much
Its your fantasy
go ahead and dream
That I am hot and horny
And how you are gonna make me scream….
You imagine giving it to me like I have never had it before
Bucking and squirming and screaming for more
Imagiine in your mind ,my naked body as you feast your eyes,
And your cock hardens with desire focusing on the center of my thighs,
Imagine it hot, moist and glistening pink
So inviting, you wanna bury your face in its nectar and drink,
Probe your tongue between my pussy lips,
And stroke my clit with your finger tips
Pulses quicken, so does the pace
I reach for your cock as I cum on your face
I lick your cock once then twice
Ands then swallow it all,…isn’t that nice??
Balls in hand cock in mouth
Suck stroke massage squeeze
Pleasure you while on my knees ,
We spoke of this moment
And how it would be,
Desired things you would do to me
And the ways you’d take me to X2C
Sex loving hours spent
Touch here, stroke there
Kiss my pussy as you shave me bare
Playful hands that cup and squeeze,
And bring a shaking to my knees…
sometymes random other tymes determined skill,
Mastering a lovers art, a deep erotic thrill
Minds that delve and hands that explore
Everything and then something more
Fantasy we would bring to life, for real
Erotic sensations, pleasures to feel
Of come and go
Here and went
All those wasted hours spent
Touch here, stroke there
As long as you are satisfied, you don’t really care
Roaming hands , lips that suck
Oh baby you want me!! lets fuck!!
U want to cum already
I should have not made you wait so long
Cuz after all,
What was I waiting for?
The experience has left me wanting more
The mood is set, candles lit,
You grab my pussy squeeze my tit
Throw me down and tell me Im the shit!!
Ram your cock in, pull it out
Yeah that’s the shit Im talking about
One more tyme then just for fun,
You slam it hard and then you’re done
Real is over as quick as it began,….
Oh yeah baby you certainly are the man!!
It happens, yes,more than once
But if twas my fantasy I'll not let it happen twice
I swallow it all, and smile-that’s nice!!
Real? I am…
Fantasy ?I can be
But the real of it all,
is the fantasy
is what satisfies me

no escape?

This is what I was referring to...it just doesnt work....anything I give example to you would say I made up...I wouldnt have to make it up if you told me what really went on...since you dont you wont, its safe to say my little story in my head is true, but you will never admit confess breakdown or in any way shape or form sway from your portrayal of perfection.. Yes I feel you have wronged me. Period end of story=- you can say that you havent. I made it up,,,I caused it....I did the action myself....yes I feel you wronged me. You delivered things to me in ways I would never do to another human being-and I cant argue with you about it, cuz you havent done anything wrong you never do anything wrong or incorrectly or in imporoer timing- Your truth is different than the one I know or experience...(I know Im delusional crazy fucking bitch...I just cant get it right) Ill never get it right bwecause you dont give it to me right- I cant change you I dont want to change you....there can be no change if there isnt anything that changes- .there can never be any understanding to any situation when it is like that...the only thing I can do is change that...because you wont/cant/refuse to view it that way/or choose to believe that I created the scenario....IMaybe you and whomever u choose , whatever you choose , your partner or your position..hopefully it works for you...good luck... I have a one sided relationship that I know both sides of all I ever wanted was a partner that felt I deserved the other side as it was not as intended or wished, or pretended, or played the part for it to be and I can never/could never/ will never have that/share that/ with you.
and yes I do believe i was the only one hurt by the situation, I dont believe that you are capeable of feelings, I think you hide from your real feelings and act accordingly, but not always in the proper time frame or with the proper participants. You are right puit together by none other than your mouth,,,,it is what I make up and that works for you because you can deny it and be honest in your denial because thats not exactly the way that it happened....and therefore never have to own up to how close or far off from the truth my fabrication was and you can go on about tending to whatever you want to tend to, and feel justified because you are angry at being accused,and rightly so because you havent done what you are accused of but never disclose any ownership to any of it....
I will always care about you and wonder why you chose the path and delivery the way you did....i also know that any expectations I have of deserving to know, are mute deaf and will remain dumb in your eyes forever...or never even considered because they are ludicras to you at the getgo. I could ask all the wuestions I want and at the end of the session, the argument instigated would be my own, the results same as we've known them to be and none of my questions would have any answers...because of course I am insane and dont get it and never will...
I dont see where I fit in with your life, why you would want to now include me in parts of your life that have always been kept from me from the beginning. I dont fit in where I can get in and find it extremely unsatisfying, very disturbing...and once again its of my own creation as for the reverse of that...well I dont do drugs anymore, I have a job that I cant fuck off because I cant keep my head on straight, I have people that love and support me and the decisions I make instead of labeling me a loon, people who explain things that dont make sense instead of telling me I caused the scenario or making it out as if i did and friends and family that I can spend the holidays with because I AM a part of the family and there is no reason to be ashamed of knowing me, loving me or wanting to be with me...so I just dont see where you fit into that picture....nor can I remember a time of ever thinking you wanted to.I can mark the days off a calender for 2 years I spent in a relationship with you as being Alone most of the time. for ur family birthdays and get togethers, Christmas and New years.....You chose with who and where you wanted to be...and of course you have every right to make those decisions...and you did....I had no part in those decisions but yes a ton of regret came with every decision you made.I dont think we even spent Valentines day you and I but what does that matter This year Ill make it up to the fool who fell in love with you and let herself be discarded, disregarded time and time again....Im gonna love her like no man has ever been able to love, and she is gonna smile as if she had a thousand lovers and never ever let herself feel unloved again...
Please dont try to destroy that happiness, just because you can

A letter to Shame

Dear Shame,

You no longer reside in me …
You came uninvited …
You snuck up on me …
I’m erasing all the faces you used …
Your history no longer has power over me …
I am no longer your slave …
For the truth has set me free … it wasn’t my fault …
I was a victim … I committed no crime …
But that’s what you do, you lie, you confuse …
You point fingers when the problem is you …
How dare you demand I stay quiet …
Silence was the biggest weapon you held over me …
I have no relation with you … this day I break free …
I realize you are just a lie, created to keep me down …
Today you’re evicted … it’s been way too long …
There’s a life that’s waiting for me …
The prison you kept me in … I’ve now found the key …
I have a voice … I will no longer remain silent … I’m breaking free
I demand you go somewhere else …
You no longer reside in me …



I did not write this, but certainly have felt it...

http://www.lovefraud.com/blog/2012/01/06/letters-to-lovefraud-to-the-liar-named-shame/

a narcistic noose

The fantasy was good while it lasted. For a brief moment in time you mamaged to keep up the charade that you were a decent human being, The scam is up. You are not in any way genuine. I dont even know if you are human. If in fact you are, I would have to say that you are definately souless. this is the last of futile energy that I will waste on you. im sick to death of the constant game, the lies yet you preach you are the walking epitome of truth...you make me sick...that is all I can say. you make me fucking sick



From: "T,Moore"
To: rob holmes
Sent: Monday, December 19, 2011 12:12 AM
Subject: you have destroyed and warped things so much im not even going to bother finishing


these fears have manifested into a defense mechanism, in which they distort your view and or interaction with men. the desire not to know any more pain feeds the drive to control your relationships, and not be controlled. yet it is just a perception of control. there is not such thing as control in love. shouldn't be that is. one has to love the other for which they do of their own free will. So to avoid the pain of hearth ache you don't allow your self to love. you in stead use. use meaningless men; their attention of any sort as comfort, but destroy any relationship which has depth. its in your mind that there is only pain at the end of the road. how do you know? if you dont follow the path to its end, if you don"t ever get close enough to find out, then your right all you will be left with is your own pain.


There is NO WAY to avoid heartache if you truly love. There will always be pain of some sort to come along when you are capeable of truly loving someone. People who try to aVOID HEARTACHE ARE NOT CAPEABLE OF LOVING... iNVESTIGATE THIS....GO AHEAD CHECK IT OUT...this is known,,it is not simply my opinion.

The highligghted startement of your OPINION =So to avoid the pain of hearth ache you don't allow your self to love. you in stead use
use meaningless men; their attention of any sort as comfort, but destroy any relationship which has depth.
THIS IS YOUR OWN TWISTED PERCEPTION AND HOW YOU JUSTIFY THE THINGS YOU DO OR IT IS IN FACT HOW YOU SEE THEM IN OTHERS BECAUSE THIS IS HOW YOU DO THINGS
AND OF COURSE YOU ARE ENTITLED TO YOUR OWN OPINION ...AND I WILL LEAVE YOU TO ENJOY YOU OPINION, BECAUSE IT IS THE MOST INNAPPROPRIATE OPINION TO HAVE PLACED ON ME...but to each his own.

very ironic that you said that I use meaningless men use thier attentioon of any sort as comfort but destroy any rerlationship with any depth...

i say nothing I lose I say something I lose...I lose nothing to say something neither do i gain anything but silence if Im silent -

the only relationship I have had recently is sadly very shallow in its existence ,,,and happens to be with you...It is already known we are of different opinions and views which both are entitled to be . But I feel very much like you have digested information and without anything further you have cast judgment and satisfied yourself with the experience having factual basis because it sits well with you, your perception and the situation as you see it...it works for you because nothing else did so you are okay with it. Im not okay with it, it doesnt work for me, its not even close to what really is and in order to specify what it really is I have to resort to telling you its not and why I think that is...And this has never been successful communicating it only adds fire to the argument at hand. and while I have always felt the need to defend myself of your opinion...its nevr going to be effective because you do not use fact to differentiate your opinion from your judgments-

Nice justification rob holmes-if this were a true statement and not your twisted perception the results would be by far differentt,,,think about it...if what you believe in your mind to be the case...your presence would have been eliminated from the equation quite some time ago. what would i be doing with you?? use u for what?

First off ...no man has ever provided me with one comforting thing EVER...not a diaper, pacifier, warm blanket, roof over my head, or escape by means of taking me away from reality by mind blowin orgasm that disconnects my mind from my body, haha cuz who does this really satisy the most?? Answer:The man who IS already disconnected his mind from his body before he started fucking you.......if I was seeking comfort at any time it would be a female that has EVER provided me anything close to comfort...grandma, mom, my girls, girlfriend- comfort food, comfort shopping...comfort warm snuggling blankets, cushy new shoes-NEVER once has the thought crossed my mind that I could/would or even look for "comfort" from a man- so sorry to disillusion your thinking with an opposition that doesnt really matter(to you its just another argument)...it is my defense to your offense...but since im being judged it might as well apply instead of just being heresay.

Second off- when I first met you I had such a radically different perception of who you were, what you were like, things you placed importance on, things you valued...and the concern you placed on how your actions affected another person. I thought you were perfect...so caring. so concerned and just had a genuine heart that really wanted everyone around him to at least be comfortable and secure in thier surroundings...and if you couldnt make them happy well at least you had tried the best you could and provided comfortable living for them and concerned yourself with genuine well being. You had a drive and determination to succeed and damn anyone who might get in the way of that -if they didnt share your drive they were of little worth of your attention. Ihat was exciting and intense
very attractive ...and by all means if I couldnt match them strides you were taking, I was gonna give it my all to be right there behind you. Fear of you getting too far ahead and leaving me behind as not worthy was the only fear I had, I thought pure adrenaline would be enough to suffice where I was possibly lacking in endurance and stamina.
Adrenaline was not going to be a problem, or so I didnt think it ever would be. You made my pulse quicken, my heart beat faster and excitement flow through my veins. YOU took my breath away BUT you always gave it back to me-in the form of a hug, a kiss, your touch, that look you give with your eyes dark and intense and you bite you lower lip...its very vivid in my mind in my body and yeah it still makes me high. ALIKE NO DRUG !!
You were sooooooooo not my type-dark handsome, reserved, intense, directed and so fucking sexy. I wanted you...I wanted to be with you. I wanted to be your adrenaline, your high, your drug...I wanted to be YOURS. 100%, without exceptions, without reservations, without any doubt...I WANTED TO BE YOURS. your everything, your drive your reason your intentions ...even your purpose for existing. I just wanted to be yours. Never for a minute did I ever think to control that, or that you could control that, was never a concern or worry that needed to be considered.

After everything I had been through -miserable relationships, knowing miserable people miserable family life...YOU were different than anyone I had ever known but that was okay, I thought. I never really entertained the idea that we would be together, but I wanted to know you, I wanted to be a part of that "perfect little surroundings" scenario. I WANTED to know what it was like to be loved, respected, trusted and included in a genuine surrounding becuase I was genuine and had never found such a thing, barely even heard of such a thing, and in alll the peoples I had met was really beginning to give up hope that such people-lives-surroundings even existed.

So perhaps in the end,,,it HAS BEEN my perceptions that have been our undoing. Perhaps it was my own selfish nature that is at fault, because of course it is unreasonable to think of one possessing another as thier own...but with all my heart all my soul with all my being I WANTED TO BE YOURS therefore wanting you to be myne...Not to own or to possess or to control or dictate or for any other purpose than to equal that which I wamted to be...YOURS...somehow in all the energies floating around I failed to see this as selfish or self serving ...but it is in all factual purposes a very self centered idea. Wanting to be your self center I lost myself the minute I entertained that thought...because I cannot be found in your center. I wont pretend I know what is your center. I wont assume that you even know what and where your center is and I wont give you my perception or opinion as to where or what I believe to be your unbalances are...
I guess it would be most appropriately put in one final sentence of summary"

I can Never Be Yours...Because You Arent Mine...

loving a narcissist is hating the self

Fear losing their identity.
⋅ Fear dependency and avoid bonding.
⋅ Create rigid personality boundaries (won't let people in).
⋅ Are sensitive to everything that leads to bonding.
⋅ Lose interest in sex that leads to bonding.
⋅ Seduce and withhold to avoid bonding.
⋅ Minimize feelings that lead to bonding.
⋅ Get nervous when things go well or bonding occurs.
⋅ Pick fights and create uproars to avoid bonding.
⋅ Want more space or have to run.
⋅ Can't make a commitment.
⋅ Are indifferent to others.
⋅ Feel entitled to be taken care of their way.
⋅ Won't put up with discomfort.
⋅ Have complete control of the schedule.
⋅ Say to their partner "Just stay put while I come and go."

Read more: How to Understand a Narcissist | eHow.com http://www.ehow.com/how_2112871_understand-a-narcissist.html#ixzz1h1gWpCqZ

Infected Melody

Infected melody
infuriated
Your ass-nine behavior infuriates me...
Your inattentive efforts to right where you have wronged...
Sadistic mentality and abuse not ceasing, just prolonged
Inconsiderate, ignorant, indifference -disregard
Once affectionate demeanor has turned as ice and just as hard
What of the foolishness to admit to loving you-
How can I justify any of it this bullshit you've put us through
Inflicting your pain, blow after blow, your masochistic tendencies,
destruction is all you know.
I have yet to wipe you from existence, as if you possess some unnatural hold-
but believe that your sissy -lala faggot fucked up ways
Are growing old.
I hate you
for the weak selfish fukk that you are...
Your ignorance and blind indifference to the control you have.
Your inability to feel
And communicate
And to be fucking real.
Ye, who would make such issue about non existent traits within yourself, yet demand them of me....
I’m twice the man in one woman that your panzy ass could ever be....
don’t talk, don't share, withdraw and hold back,
Refrain, nowhere to be found...and ready to attack
Non existent.
A real apparition.
Silence your misused weapon of choice-
Integrity -you don’t have any
Faults and misgivings, you have many
Honesty left you with no voice to utter your deceitful lies-
wallow in your filth, I will revel in your demise...
I'd die for you
You know that, and kill me everyday
Untouched,
You remain....
Master and solitary player in your own fukked up game....
I cannot believe this, truth you have no clue,
of hope you make a mockery...
Bred blackened hate twisted truth to your ways
Darkened all your days...
Lifeless
Loveless
Despondent,
life’s blood spent.
Hypocrisy...
Reality...
Insanity...
Your infected deranged melody....

I wonder your intent
What will you say today
That hasn’t already been said
Why beat a broken horse, its dead
There is too many hurts
Remain unaccounted for
Too many excuses
That I cant excuse anymore
This has been going on for so long
You try to pretend as if nothings wrong
I gave you an inch
You stretched it a mile
And continued doing
My undoing all the while
Crying every night
Ignoring me or fight
None of this is right
End it I try
You won’t let it die
Constantly adding to the grief
I have to wonder your intent
Because you wont let rest,
What you say you never meant,

RePete

RePete

It was today
But happened long ago,
The boy I met
And belong to styll yet
became the man I’ll never know
and the lifetimes of dreams
I’ll never forget.

It was meant one way,
taken another
not the usual practice or habit
Of the one that I do,
Can never have,
And accept as my lover.

You think like yesterday,
that went an opposite way
When you objectively dice and masochistic- like slice
Everything you think you think you hear me say

I doubt I could
You insist I would
If we aren’t already running opposite directions
We definitely should.

No doubts in my mind
My heart’s an even bigger mess,
And to my disappointment,
My body styll responds to your caress

On those rare occasions
we speak the same language
Hidden messages revealed from a touch
The look in the eyes
The eyes that say too much
Flash for the briefest of moments .
And in for a big surprise
The loving turns dark and ugly
Thought was truth was found to be lies


And all those foul things you said, they are true
They happen to describe you

Same disaster everytyme,

The brain can barely keep track and caught up with the mind,
The situation unfolds as clearly as can be,
But styll theres always the things you cant seem to see.
You are so smart,
Sure,
You know it all,
Better get down from your pedastool,
Truth shall see you fall.

Always the same you Act the way we do,
But who but you, always forgets
Theres always one more view??
That you seem to forget one might
Actually have , that it could be as true
As the visions of the misconceptions that perception leads to view

You are hardly perfect
I dont pretend to try
My truth is as good as it gets,
But you would rather lie
Your illusions of grandeur
Cannot be considered competition for me,
You berate and belittle
Ferocious vile spittle
Venomous words
turnabout
Accuse what you do not see

Situations you twist and turn
Allowing more credit
Than you honestly earn
You hear what you want
Use what you can
Manipulating circumstances
Resorting to tactics

To make you more man
Inferior or insecure?
Definitely issues or a complex
Too much for me
When my utmost efforts barely receive a cynical scowl
And the way you turn the smallest of things,
To make me look so fowl
All you have done, how you put yourself out for me
In your mind make you so much bigger and better than I could ever be

Each and every effort
Met with disdain
Depleting all my energies
I lose so much with nothing to gain
I can predict your denial
I know you well
Whispered secrets
lovers promised
instead a
Fuck you and Goto Hell!!



By krptdnacnce, © 2007, All rights reserved.
→ Show additional poem info

So quick to disregard
earlier promises
of thought to discard
I never imagined
few ever do
what in my world
Happened to you?
Only one in a world
the world to One
turning in an instant
Its over, finished...Done!
perhaps right for you
wrongfully done to me
the man I fell in love with
you could never be.

eliminating waste

To the Lover I can no longer love,

I’m speechless. There are no words to describe how rejected, humiliated and betrayed by your actions, your words and your inability to seemingly uphold the commitments we have made to each other.
Every fucking time we have a disagreement, the result is the same. You leave. You say its over. You’re done.
But for two years now, you are never really done. After 3 days. A week sometimes two, you come back into contact. For a couple of days, things are like they used to be, you make me feel loved, missed, you lead me to believe that you enjoy being with me, that life without me has little to offer compared to when we are together. You even go as far as to say that no one understands what I’m going through better than you. We are in the same boat. THAT is all I have ever wanted with you. I gave you my heart. I gave you all my love and gave you the promise that we were in it together. I loved you and gave up my right to jump ship if the waters got rough. Willingly I would drown if our ship began to sink and if we gave it our ALL and that wasn’t enough, then so be it.
BUT that could never be it. You constantly jump ship of your own accord and leave me to battle treacherous waters on my own. Do you create these raging waters in order to justify bailing out? Do you intend for me to sink? Or is it your own inability to uphold your part of the commitment?
Hours spent trying to decipher your moods, attitudes and actions. Questioning myself over and over as to how we can end up in the same scenario time after time, no matter what I do? Why are you so quick to detach? You say that you need to progress and move towards the future. Yet every other day abandon the very idea of progress by excusing yourself of all responsibility by declaring us dead…over…Done!?!
You offer your help to fix my car, yet make obvious to all of us around that it is an inconvenience to you, that you have other things you need to be addressing, and if I want to go a different route then do so but if I go another route you are going to be pissed, you act shitty to me the whole duration of the repair, reiterating things as in “I told you so” and then act as if you are hurt by my outward display of confusion as to why are you fixing the car when its obvious you don’t want to ….so don’t fix the car if its going to cause such agony…and lo and behold you throw a fit, you leave the car unfixed and blame me for being inconsiderate of your intent to help and tell me basically to go to hell, you are not flushing life down the toilet with me anymore.
Really? Where did this come from? After weeks of being apart, another of your sessions, we get back together for 2 or 3 days after discussing your inclination to immediately end things for seemingly no new reason, I expressed my feelings of misgivings and how devastating these scenarios are to me: You pretend to hear me, pretend to care and reply that they are equally devastating for you and without hesitation, without blinking an eye, . Without reproach do the same exact thing, totally disregarding previous promises to withhold this action and try an alternative method of dealing with the issue at hand.
How can I prevent this outcome? It appears that no matter what I do, I can’t prevent anything. You obviously had somewhere else you needed or wanted to be and failed to communicate that to me; instead you manipulate the scenario as need be, placing the blame on me for my one-sided ever present self and lack of consideration to justify your behavior and to excuse you from further participation in this charade.
Well be a man and end it for fucks sake. Quit playing games and fucking be real. Do you honestly think I am the reason for your present stance in life? I wasn’t aware that you felt you had been flushing life down the toilet, so to hear that its my fault and you refuse to do it with me anymore comes as a shock to me, You come to this decision in the 6 hours of meditation once ridding yourself of your much dreaded ,position? Give me a break. Just more of your bullshit, mind games, that you constantly deny playing. So it must just be the outwards sign of immaturity and the ambiguous way you hint at communication attempts
I must end this. You never will. You don’t know how to leave well enough alone. And why would you? I’m the dumb bitch that allows you to desecrate our relationship., degrade me, make a complete fool out of me and although I swear to myself I won’t do it, I ignore your first attempts at reconciliation. You have proved over and over that you can’t be there for me as you promise, you cant be here with me as you claim to want to be. You can’t even seem to remember the conversations we have regarding such. If anything it gets worse and worse, your outbursts are more frequent, they last longer [periods of time, and I don’t have the slightest inclination as to what is going to set you off. It seems you pick and choose that as well, no matter how trivial the facts surrounding the issue are. If you feel the need for escape you act accordingly and you always get your desired result. I know you don’t see this. You never do. Always claim that I’m lashing out at you, acting in such undesirable ways that you are so put out by my mistreatment of you that you have no choice but to leave the situation. I know I’m so aggressive that you feel the need to shrink into your own invisible world, detached of any emotional attachment, devoid of any of your promises, no sense of responsibility to the relationship whatsoever and no sign visible of the man who just minutes, hours or days before professed nothing but love and willingness to dedicate himself to this endeavor.
You’re fake, phony, hypocritical and extremely unrealistic. You choose to view the events with your own twisted misconceptions of truth, placing blame on anything or anyone, but never yourself or your actions, effortlessly the justifications for anything one might perceive as anything less than flawless on your part. Your view of yourself as nearing sainthood motivated by nothing other than care and concern, , always of the best intent wounded by the cruel abuse of a good for nothing 2 dollar whore .
Always I have adhered to our promise to each other that it was worth it, and to not give up. No matter how brutal, harsh or undeserving of the onslaught of name calling, accusations and threats to sever ties you constantly feel the need to unleash, I have never refused you access back in, acknowledgement of any reasonable attempts at reconciliation , nor refused any expressed need for understanding or wanting to reconnect. Can you say the same? You can toot your own horn all you want; I know the difference between the REAL and that which is portrayed as real.
Although my heartfelt wish is for you to one day see the bigger picture and assess the damage done in its proper perspective, knowing that it if and when that miraculous happening takes place, it will be far too late to be of any positive contribution. This is not a bash session as you might usually make of our arguments, had you been of a concerned and hopeful mind for the future one might consider it a plea to realize, to help me understand your apparent hesitation and consider seeking professional help. However that would mean I still had hopes of expectations being fulfilled and promises carried out , and a reality that will never ever be.
Complete devastation of my dreams for the future, spent happily in the arms, heart and mind of the man I love. There is nothing remaining of what once was to carry forward into the future leaving almost invisible traces of itself in the present . Hours, days weeks and months spent desperately trying to hold onto what you so easily disregard and let crumble to ruins. Over and over. The one thing you consistently did without any attachment of any kind.
I must really be the loser piece of shit you condemn me to be. What a waste of life to not be able to hold onto that which is most dear and made life worth living. Sadly living has turned cold and bitter and hardly worth welcoming. Am I truly to blame? I honestly did anything and everything I could, none of it ever holding value in your eyes. How can I love someone who has belittled me and made me no longer sure of who I EVEN AM? Why are you unable to remember your heart when you let anger take over and destroy anything good we have. Why is it you cant see the damage yo have done and continue to do?
And then I stumbled across what most certainly felt like the answers, but once again you will never see how my insane mind could jump to such looney toon delusional idea.
…..” The passive aggressive ignores problems in the relationship, sees things through their own skewed sense of reality and if forced to deal with the problems will completely withdraw from the relationship and you. They will deny evidence of wrong doing, distort what you know to be real to fit their own agenda, minimize or lie so that their version of what is real seems more logical.”
Am I onto something here?
…” The biggest frustration in being with a passive aggressive is that they never follow through on agreements and promises. He/she will dodge responsibility for anything in the relationship while at the same time making it look as if he/she is pulling his/her own weight and is a very loving partner. The sad thing is, you can be made to believe that you are loved and adored by a person who is completely unable to form an emotional connection with anyone.
aggressive will say one thing, do another, and then deny ever saying the first thing. They don't communicate their needs and wishes in a clear manner, expecting their spouse to read their mind and meet their needs. After all, if their spouse truly loved them he/she would just naturally know what they needed or wanted. The passive aggressive withholds information about how he/she feels, their ego is fragile and can't take the slightest criticism so why let you know what they are thinking or feeling? God forbid they disclose that information and you criticize them.
I think of the proverb, "Actions speak louder than words" when it comes to the passive aggressive and how ambiguous they can be. They rarely mean what they say or say what they mean. The best judge of how a passive aggressive feels about an issue is how they act. Normally they don't act until after they've caused some kind of stress by their ambiguous way of communicating.

……” subtle and veiled or disguised by actions that appear to be normal, at times loving and caring. The passive aggressive person is a master at covert abuse.
The passive aggressive avoids responsibility by "forgetting." How convenient is that? There is no easier way to punish someone than forgetting that lunch date or your birthday or, better yet, an anniversary.

The passive aggressive often can't trust. Because of this, they guard themselves against becoming intimately attached to someone. A passive aggressive will have sex with you but they rarely make love to you. If they feel themselves becoming attached, they may punish you by withholding sex.
….” Do you want something from your passive aggressive spouse? If so, get ready to wait for it or maybe even never get it. It is important to him/her that you don,t get your way. He/she will act as if giving you what you want is important to them but, rarely will he/she follow through with giving it. It is very confusing to have someone appear to want to give to you but never follow through. You can begin to feel as if you are asking too much which is exactly what he/she wants to you to feel.”

. If your spouse’s behaviors are ambiguous, you are constantly receiving mixed messages. More than likely you spend a great amount of time trying to figure out what was meant by certain words or actions.
The passive aggressive does harm by consistently failing to honestly express what they are feeling and thinking. It is impossible to work through conflicts with someone who sends unclear and insufficient information

Being in a relationship with someone who either can’t or won’t open up and be honest about how they are feeling or what they think will leave you anxiously wondering what your spouse’s intentions are. You end up either doubting yourself or questioning your spouse’s commitment to the relationship. Below are a few examples of ambiguous behaviors.


FOR EXAMPLES
• June is upset with Jake over an unkind remark he made to her. June tells Jake that her feelings were hurt when he told her the house was not tidy enough and she spent her days wasting time. Jake reacts to June by saying, “fine” and walking away. June is left to wonder what “fine” means. Does it mean Jake will no longer make unkind remarks? Does it mean that Jake could care less whether her feelings were hurt or not?
June has no way of knowing whether she was heard by Jake or whether or not her feelings are important to Jake. June will naturally begin to make assumptions about Jakes feelings for her and you can bet that those assumptions will be negative.
• Jill and Joe have been talking about buying a new car for several months. Joe wants to buy Jill a car and Jill has a definite opinion about what car she wants. One day Joe comes home with a new car. Not the car Jill wanted but a car Joe felt was more appropriate.
Joe was willing to discuss what kind of car they would buy but when it came to making the final decision, he shut Jill out. He has sent Jill the message that although she can have an opinion, in the end those opinions weren’t of any value to Joe.

The one thing common in all three examples is the devaluation of feelings by a spouse. A spouse whose behaviors are ambiguous not only devalues their own feelings they devalue those of their spouse. When a spouse begins to feel his/her thoughts or opinions are of no value they begin to withdraw from the relationship. They are, after all in a relationship with someone who doesn’t seem to care so why should they care.
If you marry someone with passive aggressive personality disorder even the most reasonable expectation will go unmet. The trick to making a relationship with the passive aggressive work is not letting go of your expections but, letting go of the idea that your expectation will be met.
AND


• Isolating or rejecting you without an obvious reason;
• Stopping you from expressing your feelings of love or ignoring them;
• Preventing you from getting your family's or friends' support;
• Showing sensitivity and caring one minute; hostility and resentment the next;
• Making negative jokes about you with his friends, while smiling at you the next minute;
• Attacking you in public with descriptions as "nagging" "controlling" "abusive" "coercive" and other words linked with abuse and control;
• Unexpected, unprovoked anger attacks, not related to the issue being discussed, but related to the experience he is having of you through his distorted "over-controlled child" lenses;
• As a way of frustrating you, and retaining control of the relationship he will show no interest in sex exactly when you feel that the two of you are connecting and happy together!
• Silence breeds separation and more hostility;
• In separation we assume negative intentions of the other
• Then we try to confirm that the other has negative intentions towards us by reading his actions in the worst possible light;
• Finally this growing hostile communicational divide generates hostility and mistrust. LOVE IS GONE!
, the refusal to accept responsibility for his actions, the blame he lays on me, the ambiguity, the lack of communications, his reluctance to say sorry, the failure to recognize his part in the problem, the withholding of sex, his negativity, his self absorbed attitude, his lack of encouragement or support, his inability to be empathetic. Basically, his me, me, me, attitude. I always thought that patience and compassion would win through
I cannot believe what Im reading yet believe it with 100% of my heart

How often do you look at a happy couple and feel a pang in your chest? You watch them as they gaze into each others' eyes and playfully steal a kiss. A faint smile crosses your lips as you remember the good times you had with your partner and your heart wonders where they went…
Do you sometimes feel alone when the one you love is beside you? Do you sleep in the same bed, but feel miles apart? Are you afraid of expressing your true feelings for fear your partner will become angry or isolate himself into his shell?
What would you give to reclaim those carefree feelings you had when you first fell in love with your partner, to be able to easily express yourself and have open, honest communication again? What would you do if the fear was gone?

Every time we got close, he pulled further away. I could SEE it happening. We'd seem to grow closer and closer, which made him feel invaded, so he'd push me away. I'd try to get nearer and he'd back away. It was a vicious cycle. If I complained, he would blame ME, saying it was my 'behavior' that drove him away."
"I think he loves me somehow and that makes it harder to cut the cord. But, if I keep holding on to the HOPE…the never-ending HOPE that things will improve, I will be in this same emptiness for ever. I need help to let go of him."
"I realized I could do anything for him but it might not matter, because nothing really changes. He is passive aggressive and I've never knew how to deal with him along those lines. I've always been thrown into the cycle of hurt and abuse, instead.

Wow sounds familiar
. He wouldn't remember any of my good aspects, but only the negative ones. It seemed that nothing was ever good enough for him. He had unrealistic expectations, and could only see things in "black or white." He would forget promises, make decisions without consulting me, and be very abusive. He blamed me for everything, called me names, and yelled at me. However, I was the only person he would treat like this. He wouldn't do it with ANYONE ELSE! After years it became too much humiliation for me. I couldn't cope with the sadness anymore. I felt hopeless and alone. I believed I had two options for my life; stay in an unhappy marriage, or leave my husband.
One day you are happy and contently living the relationship of your dreams. You love him, he loves you. You know what to expect in your relationship. Then, one day…BAM! He reacts to you with a lot of hostility, not related to the here and now, and you feel confused and hurt. Maybe things get back to normal for a while, and then it happens again. And, just when you feel you have made progress in your relationship your partner suddenly, and without provocation, withdraws from you and retreats into hostile silence. The cycle continues, with episodes occurring more frequently, until you feel lost and alone. He promises to change, so when he reverts to his old ways you feel dejected, let down, and alone…again and again.

EXACTLY>>>>>>
The more frequently you experience the ups and downs of a passive aggressive relationship, the more you accept it. Doubts will seep into your mind about the validity of his words and you will wonder if you -perhaps- deserve this treatment. You will feel guilty because you can't make your partner happy and you will question his love for you.
Have you tried to have a candid conversation with your partner, only for it backfire or escalate into a full-blown argument? Instead of understanding and compassion you are met with accusations, verbal abuse, or deafening silence. Or, perhaps he seems to understand. He feels regretful for his actions and reaches out to you. You eagerly accept this act of apology because you are starving for the affection and attention you once had in your relationship. You think everything will return to normal. You are once again, hooked by the passive aggressive spell because eventually his loving behavior subsides and you are once again confronted with anger and aggression. You fear confrontation and slowly you become more and more a victim of passive aggressive behavior.
• Unexpected, unprovoked outbursts that are disproportionate to the issue.
• Isolation or pouting, or retreating into his world.
• He is oblivious to your feelings.
• Ignoring or blocking you from communication.
• Being sensitive and caring one minute; acting aggressive the next.
Hе wаѕ a magnificent man, thе Ɩονе οf mу life, mу heart. I nο longer long fοr hіm bυt I ԁο still remember thе longing I used tο hаνе fοr hіm.


• Your partner will procrastinate, leave work undone, or "forget" to fulfill his share of tasks.
• When asked about his problems, this person will make excuses or blame others.
• He is often found to omit information or lie; if confronted, his temper easily flares.
• He may be more prone to cheating in a long-term relationship or marriage.
• He may deny his behavior or claim he has good intentions.
• He denies his emotions and has a lack of commitment.
• He instigates arguments for any reason.
________________________________________
Dealing with passive aggressive people can be crazymaking. You feel dismissed, shut down, ignored… but in a subtle enough way that you don’t know how to react. At some point, you explode. Over time, this can turn into a vicious cycle: passive aggressive behavior begets anger and finger-pointing, which in turn begets more passive-aggressive behavior.
He begins to start fights for what appears to be no reason.
Some guys will do this because they know that it will feel bad if they just ditch you for no reason, so instead, what they do is start fights over nothing so that they “have a reason.” Sure, it’s a coward’s way to go, but that does not mean that he won’t try this. If you find that your boyfriend or husband is starting more and more fights for what appears to be no reason then this might be what he is doing.
A further sign is when while getting into these kinds of fights over nothing, he makes comments about how this relationship is no longer working or something to that effect
1. You find ways to avoid each other (You're at work while they're at home or vice versa)
2. The slightest conversation takes extreme effort and often ends up an argument
3. Your sex life is virtually non existent or being intimate takes extreme effort
4. Things you use to think were cute or sweet begin to annoy you
5. You can't remember what you saw in the person initially
If you agree to any of these examples then your relationship requires some work.
Even when a relationship is on the rocks it is still a good idea to talk to your partner so that you can both voice your opinions. You may discover that the problems aren't as dire as you initially thought and be able to make amends. And if you can't make amends at least try to part on decent and agreeable terms. A bad break up takes a lot longer to recover from and can be the underlying source to trust issues in a new relationship.
If you do decide to try to talk to your partner don't do it at home. Go out. Have something to eat and try talking over dinner, Try going for a walk or even sitting in a park where you are less likely to get into a confrontational situation.
Things to try discussing are:
1. Is there any way the issues can be rectified?
2. Is there a particular reason for the distance that has developed between you both?
3. Could counselling help?
If you do decide to give the relationship another go it has to be a fresh start. There can be no bringing of old issues into the new beginning. Forgive yourself and your partner for allowing the relationship to get to that point and agree to take things slowly. Bring back the spontaneity by going on dates, trying new hobbies and interests together. Relationships are hard work and require dedication in order for them to work but sometimes there is no amount of work that will fix the damage that has been done. If this is the case then talking is still advisable no matter how difficult it may be. Regardless of what has happened there was a reason for your initial attraction and genuine love for each other. Try to hold onto that during the break up period and reassure yourself that just because this relationship doesn't work there is no reason to believe the next one won't

Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/6551083

The lie I live without you

Living a dream
proof positive I sleep
my life my love
and laughter
wasnt meant to keep
For now for ever
and always for you
something anything nothing
impossible
I cant do
Bargains in the basement
coupons in the attic
loves a force
energy electricity
static
with forever bartered
for a nightmare from which Ill never wake
exchanged my life, this living
that death couldnt take
grief then never dies
the heart that loves within here lies
a soul that searches
its mate never rests
for you for me
it suited
I, the captain best
sailor, liar,lover
certainty in jest
swap with heaven a past exchange
in eternitys disquise
hell! living; being without you
spending forever
wishing otherwise

Lie and breathe

such potential
yet progress stalls
your angry hateful words
im left without protection
stones concrete and bricks
make up these walls.

Long ago
manners gentleness and hopes for the future
hurting hearts
minds take care
rogues thiefs and charaltans
made become ...AWARE
he was so thoughtful
loving generously so
desire to be the best and intending to be
but a truth we will never know

hesitations, scenes, accusations
become secrets untold
no longer innocent
the beauty is fading
but still a gem to behold

mishaps mistakes
missed and mixed
communications
our issues, to solve
Its over now they're fixed...