In Death I shall Succeed
Failure looms all around me
Fears prevent me from being me
No one understands the voices that I hear,
They are not going away thats been made perfectly clear.
The taunts the ridicule this war inside my head
I cannot put one foot in front of the other, because Im just as good as dead.
In death I picture silence, something I so long to hear
And everpresent is the realization of everything I fear
Anxiety has reached its all tyme high
Disorder, mentally ill, Failing myself
I just want to die.
I don’t wanna fail you-you have given me so very much.
But Insanity prevents feeling Reality I want to touch
Derogatory, belittling, demeaning I am being demoralized each day
And nothing doing I can’t make these voices go away.
They hinder my emotions, falter my steps and progress? They paralyze,
And everyday a tad bit more inside of me dies.
A minute is a lifetime without sane thoughts intact
A lifetime of sanity is an unseen shore of reality in fact
If later comes, I finish this then
Otherwise death is where Ill be able to begin
Friday, January 7, 2011
2 faced
I came to you from a place far away,
of completely different tyme
myriad mazez
and criss-crossed lines
You dream,
And I walk the corridors of your mind...
You search,
Instinctively knowing
That one day
you will find...
You look,
and I wonder
do you see,
Could be,
you keep looking,
maybe so
if anyone will ever be…
most definitely…,…
Happy?.....
Gratified.?
If not at all,…
..content??
of course, I would
go there again,
with you…
will you,
even ask where?
Mesmerized and speechless
Held in tunnel vision stare
Will what is heard,
Be the same as it was meant?
And what I wanted to say ,
Be the way it went?
-your private thoughts,
transmit signals with intensity
a million miles away,
shatters my togetherness
left in
complete disarray
I saw
but didn't really see,
that all along
my reflection
had no recollection
of ever being me..
One day becomes,
Then, changes to the next,
Quite suddenly ,
I find myself
and that
I am
perplexed.
The present turns to past-
Reality of the moment,
But its changing way too fast,
Before I know it
Me has been replaced
The Other Me,
Last conscious thought
Known to either me,
She needs to be erased....or is it faced?
of completely different tyme
myriad mazez
and criss-crossed lines
You dream,
And I walk the corridors of your mind...
You search,
Instinctively knowing
That one day
you will find...
You look,
and I wonder
do you see,
Could be,
you keep looking,
maybe so
if anyone will ever be…
most definitely…,…
Happy?.....
Gratified.?
If not at all,…
..content??
of course, I would
go there again,
with you…
will you,
even ask where?
Mesmerized and speechless
Held in tunnel vision stare
Will what is heard,
Be the same as it was meant?
And what I wanted to say ,
Be the way it went?
-your private thoughts,
transmit signals with intensity
a million miles away,
shatters my togetherness
left in
complete disarray
I saw
but didn't really see,
that all along
my reflection
had no recollection
of ever being me..
One day becomes,
Then, changes to the next,
Quite suddenly ,
I find myself
and that
I am
perplexed.
The present turns to past-
Reality of the moment,
But its changing way too fast,
Before I know it
Me has been replaced
The Other Me,
Last conscious thought
Known to either me,
She needs to be erased....or is it faced?
Today I woke up to the very same Realization- and I am shocked at how stupid I could be and have been and Good Golly What in this world am I going to do about it? What 's first, second, should fourth been third and left five reserved? Instead of head on confrontations with conflict that addressed to my behavior is well deserved?
And someone with hindsight who turns to me blindly and asks me to translate in another language the played out parody that was observed.
to think Im so smart and I dont know a thing, my sense of well-being now disturbed?
Am I okay? Will this disorder persist? or am I? By the means of insanity dismissed?.
And someone with hindsight who turns to me blindly and asks me to translate in another language the played out parody that was observed.
to think Im so smart and I dont know a thing, my sense of well-being now disturbed?
Am I okay? Will this disorder persist? or am I? By the means of insanity dismissed?.
I Remember Seasons Change
Sun kissed rays of amber
A woven blanket of golden hue
Hold fast to the vision
For its days are numbered few
Heavy harsh and silent
Are the winter days coming fast
Days to put behind us on the calendar
Because it marks our days of passed
And springtime is the regenerated
Blossoming forth and some born again new
Eliminating less than desirable factors, the bad seed,
in lame terms meaning you.
The sun replenishes the spirit
And warms the soul frozen by winters harsh and solitary cold
Encouraging new thoughts and ideas
Replacing and rejuvenating the bitterness we hold
So when orange and yellow begin to turn brown
And falling leaves make cover for the ground
One perhaps finds solace in nature’s becoming
Where once only emptiness was found.
So the seasons progress
nature absorbs your pain
And although you’re cold and bitter
Summer comes again
Wrapping you in a blanket of golden amber hue
And this is how I want to remember you.
A woven blanket of golden hue
Hold fast to the vision
For its days are numbered few
Heavy harsh and silent
Are the winter days coming fast
Days to put behind us on the calendar
Because it marks our days of passed
And springtime is the regenerated
Blossoming forth and some born again new
Eliminating less than desirable factors, the bad seed,
in lame terms meaning you.
The sun replenishes the spirit
And warms the soul frozen by winters harsh and solitary cold
Encouraging new thoughts and ideas
Replacing and rejuvenating the bitterness we hold
So when orange and yellow begin to turn brown
And falling leaves make cover for the ground
One perhaps finds solace in nature’s becoming
Where once only emptiness was found.
So the seasons progress
nature absorbs your pain
And although you’re cold and bitter
Summer comes again
Wrapping you in a blanket of golden amber hue
And this is how I want to remember you.
chopping block romance
mellow
I feel the Suns warmth upon my shoulders.
The breeze that caresses my skin or is it a lovers skilled calloused hands,
A moment imagined and a minute for real...
But its an illusion …
Iin all I dream and I feel
I feel the suns warmth for some tyme and I think
flowing oceans of love...I sink..
The suns warmth has warmed the sand no longer under feet
and echoes of laughter that mankind cant cheat
Lovers words spoken tenderly yet in a voice thats low and gruff
And I think out loud, to myself,
I dont use my chopping block enough...
screeching emitts from boiling waves
accepting of the warmth it craves
Did the sun warm this puddle,
the teardrop that has dropped?
light of the air;
floating,
then rise then popped
the bubbles, the wave, the water, the meaning of dreams
cared for but neglected, the chopping block, so it seems
tossing swirling circling the bubbles oh my
the sum warms my memories of tymes gone by
so leaveing the outdoors I must go back inside
and clear away the unused chopping board I never thought to hide...
I'll put it in the cabinet and get back to it someday
for now I wish the warmth of my lover to never go away...
The feel of the warmth from the light of the sun
My pot on the stove is boiling over
And my daydreaming must be done
mellow
I feel the Suns warmth upon my shoulders.
The breeze that caresses my skin or is it a lovers skilled calloused hands,
A moment imagined and a minute for real...
But its an illusion …
Iin all I dream and I feel
I feel the suns warmth for some tyme and I think
flowing oceans of love...I sink..
The suns warmth has warmed the sand no longer under feet
and echoes of laughter that mankind cant cheat
Lovers words spoken tenderly yet in a voice thats low and gruff
And I think out loud, to myself,
I dont use my chopping block enough...
screeching emitts from boiling waves
accepting of the warmth it craves
Did the sun warm this puddle,
the teardrop that has dropped?
light of the air;
floating,
then rise then popped
the bubbles, the wave, the water, the meaning of dreams
cared for but neglected, the chopping block, so it seems
tossing swirling circling the bubbles oh my
the sum warms my memories of tymes gone by
so leaveing the outdoors I must go back inside
and clear away the unused chopping board I never thought to hide...
I'll put it in the cabinet and get back to it someday
for now I wish the warmth of my lover to never go away...
The feel of the warmth from the light of the sun
My pot on the stove is boiling over
And my daydreaming must be done
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
4 years 4 why
Crushed.
Hot tears roll down my face
grieving a loss , nothing can replace
my solid center , the heart of my soul
torn and rooted in griefs' fucking black hole.
4 years 4 why
wasted years of the calander have gone by
tyme that passes, unremarkedly so,
and styll its clutches wont let me go
I remain captive submersed
surrounded by loss, heldfast by grief
4 years 4 why
no sign of relief
Immobilized,
as if tyme stood styll
haveing yet to move forward,
I wonder if I ever will
my solid center ,
the light of my soul
taken away
and left me unwhole
of remedies, of healing
memories of borrowed tyme
keep stealing
thoughts of the future
like a corpse thats turned cold
in an instant I went from infant
to unbearably old
the reasons the meaning,
validation for being-
Im left without seeing
for in my visions there was always you
strength to hold fast and beliefs that held true
and although I styll see your wonderful loving face
Im lost Im helpless
and alone in this godforsaken place
hot tears roll down my face
4 years 4 why
grieving a loss I can never replace.
what does this future have in store?.
It really doesn't matter
I dont even care anymore
for I see nothing
only pitch black
and all the grieving in the world
can never bring you back
so tyme that passes erases meanings
and reasons for being
cold lonely infinite grief
is all Im seeing
Like a mannequin directed through the motion
an abandoned ship tossed about by the ocean
no direction no course
held captive by grief and remorse
4 years 4 why
alone I sit
worthless
tears
I cry...
Hot tears roll down my face
grieving a loss , nothing can replace
my solid center , the heart of my soul
torn and rooted in griefs' fucking black hole.
4 years 4 why
wasted years of the calander have gone by
tyme that passes, unremarkedly so,
and styll its clutches wont let me go
I remain captive submersed
surrounded by loss, heldfast by grief
4 years 4 why
no sign of relief
Immobilized,
as if tyme stood styll
haveing yet to move forward,
I wonder if I ever will
my solid center ,
the light of my soul
taken away
and left me unwhole
of remedies, of healing
memories of borrowed tyme
keep stealing
thoughts of the future
like a corpse thats turned cold
in an instant I went from infant
to unbearably old
the reasons the meaning,
validation for being-
Im left without seeing
for in my visions there was always you
strength to hold fast and beliefs that held true
and although I styll see your wonderful loving face
Im lost Im helpless
and alone in this godforsaken place
hot tears roll down my face
4 years 4 why
grieving a loss I can never replace.
what does this future have in store?.
It really doesn't matter
I dont even care anymore
for I see nothing
only pitch black
and all the grieving in the world
can never bring you back
so tyme that passes erases meanings
and reasons for being
cold lonely infinite grief
is all Im seeing
Like a mannequin directed through the motion
an abandoned ship tossed about by the ocean
no direction no course
held captive by grief and remorse
4 years 4 why
alone I sit
worthless
tears
I cry...
4 Y 2 whom
4 y 2 whom
and so it is,
wonders,
noone
ever
lives
and dies
revealing what it is concealing
sad but oh so true
faith
minds
hearts
never knowing
done is done.
unnoticed as signifigant
the other cries
and those that somewhere do exist
noone caring who
are the same and the one
fools believe
the caring that gives
is genuine who tries
and tenderhearted
believe foolish lies
and in the center
of those and them
that will never live in the hearts of men
another is shame that grieves,
souls apart from the none that decieve
when mished and mashed
become stuffed and stashed
and thats the salt ya should have dashed...
unknown
not necessarily
kewl enough to be a mystery
what makes it such is the self to be
and zero adds 0 is zero to me.
under looked and over stood
the silent the spoken
the hoped for
would
and in a miracle of a lifetyme
an unknown for a minute is understood
dezigned of grace
unremarked on
pretty face
invisible almost
like nothing
anonymous existence
nothing remains nothing
until disappearing without a trace
and barely recognize the unknown
which you just cant seem to place...
and so it is,
wonders,
noone
ever
lives
and dies
revealing what it is concealing
sad but oh so true
faith
minds
hearts
never knowing
done is done.
unnoticed as signifigant
the other cries
and those that somewhere do exist
noone caring who
are the same and the one
fools believe
the caring that gives
is genuine who tries
and tenderhearted
believe foolish lies
and in the center
of those and them
that will never live in the hearts of men
another is shame that grieves,
souls apart from the none that decieve
when mished and mashed
become stuffed and stashed
and thats the salt ya should have dashed...
unknown
not necessarily
kewl enough to be a mystery
what makes it such is the self to be
and zero adds 0 is zero to me.
under looked and over stood
the silent the spoken
the hoped for
would
and in a miracle of a lifetyme
an unknown for a minute is understood
dezigned of grace
unremarked on
pretty face
invisible almost
like nothing
anonymous existence
nothing remains nothing
until disappearing without a trace
and barely recognize the unknown
which you just cant seem to place...
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
another missed communication
I cannot hold you responsible for not loving me enough
And should have expected that you would get going
When the going got rough
The greatest gift I could ever give myself
Is love
Because you never did.
C'est lavie to author's wealth
Finish this chapter
and end this book
and put it back on the shelf.
No one needs to read it,
For it would never be understood
And from front to back
cover to jacket
would ever be considered good
Just a waste of time, love and space
Misery evident all over the place.
You exceeded expectations then sold yourself short
Random experiences collected and left scars breed together
Imitating an unsightly wart.
You sucked up my confidence-
Bled me dry with lies
Humpt me and dumped me
Then apologize
Nothing’s worth everything
Left with what you brung
Worthless and quite stenchy
A big pile of dung
Memories of illusions
Held false within the mind
Keeping one focused ahead
On things better left behind,
So much for the future
You never led me to
You were always saying I don’t
But this fool here said I do
What your body language was betraying
All those games
you say that you weren’t playing
WHaT OF ThE DREAmS
LIFETIME CHOICE OF sweethearts swayed by love
That survived taking the chance-
A dance you never heard of
Music never reached your ears
My words never touched your heart
You will never taste my bitter tears
And I’ll forever wonder why we are apart
Monday, January 3, 2011
I have lost
myself again.
"leave em alone and they'll come home waggin thier tails behind them..."
if what they said be true
what would be said of you
the signs were there
from the very start-
you took over my mind
and stole my heart
quick connect
just as quick detach
words and deed
didn't match
i fell in love with your potential
the lover you could be
and shared my dreams
and hopes of the future
with a man you'll never be
future thoughts
a neglected smile
little did i know
you were laughing all the while
I excused all your inconsistencies
and began to question them as mine
and all the things I knew felt wrong
but pretended they were fine
looking forward to a happiness
based on imaginary wealth
accepting blame for the defficiancies
taxing my mental health.
used to getting what I want
I cant get what I need
and you arent happy either
so Go On! you're freed
"leave em alone and they'll come home waggin thier tails behind them..."
if what they said be true
what would be said of you
the signs were there
from the very start-
you took over my mind
and stole my heart
quick connect
just as quick detach
words and deed
didn't match
i fell in love with your potential
the lover you could be
and shared my dreams
and hopes of the future
with a man you'll never be
future thoughts
a neglected smile
little did i know
you were laughing all the while
I excused all your inconsistencies
and began to question them as mine
and all the things I knew felt wrong
but pretended they were fine
looking forward to a happiness
based on imaginary wealth
accepting blame for the defficiancies
taxing my mental health.
used to getting what I want
I cant get what I need
and you arent happy either
so Go On! you're freed
I Am Not
I am Not
Current mood: awake
Category: Life, Law, Love, Thelema
Current mood: awake
Category: Life, Law, Love, Thelema
I am Not.
UR2
Childrens teasing sing-song
Knock knock
Wake up
Ding Dong!!
a...waken...ing
I am...
Sleep -
As the tymless womb
Death - like
Forces grip
Silence -
We see
Shapeless
Formless
For ever
Be
a...wake.... A-waken-
A-wakening -unto thee
Amniotic Tomb
Tymless womb
X2c is centered
Awaken Thyne X2C
ForEver unto Me
Four?
Say Not
Four
EVER
Unto
Me!!!
Never Not
Forever Not
But always
Unto thee.
Another portal
Not,
I am .
I am .
A chance being
Crisscrossed
Transmutated
Dimensional
Immortal
Of THoTH
Of TRuTH
Of Y2K YouTH
Open Door
Eyes
as windows to the soul.
Words
as pages of the book we turn
The flame from within
sometymes afraid to burn...
People's perception,
Reality's deception
Misconception
I dont know anyrhing for sure.
But I discovered a book that I would like to learn
My mind is open, as is your book
I invite you to take a closer look
My words may well be a door
and quite possibly more than you are looking for.
I wasn't .
Im not but I would and I could...
My only intent was to be understood,
Perhaps this existence escapes understanding
One foot forward, up in the air, fall flat on my face
Am I taking off or fumbling my landing?
My thoughts, my fears, and desires ...
Everything I am,
I share from the start.
Perhaps not yet realized;
Keys to my heart
and secrets of this soul within.
This is how I'd like to begin.
The depths of me and this is an open door ,
If you are of the mind to find out more
as windows to the soul.
Words
as pages of the book we turn
The flame from within
sometymes afraid to burn...
People's perception,
Reality's deception
Misconception
I dont know anyrhing for sure.
But I discovered a book that I would like to learn
My mind is open, as is your book
I invite you to take a closer look
My words may well be a door
and quite possibly more than you are looking for.
I wasn't .
Im not but I would and I could...
My only intent was to be understood,
Perhaps this existence escapes understanding
One foot forward, up in the air, fall flat on my face
Am I taking off or fumbling my landing?
My thoughts, my fears, and desires ...
Everything I am,
I share from the start.
Perhaps not yet realized;
Keys to my heart
and secrets of this soul within.
This is how I'd like to begin.
The depths of me and this is an open door ,
If you are of the mind to find out more
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