again and again
havent learned yet- WTF???when?????
fucking played for the same stupid bitch i've always been
For him I held a weakness- a soft spot, gave him all my heart
says we're gonna be together, yet makes sure that we are apart
childish games pretending all this time
never revealing true feelings and making sure that he annihilated mine
I'm in a lost and confused place right now
the only one of us affected by the situation somehow
he gets so mean, and says hateful viscous things
not oblivious to the hurt it brings
there is something wrong when you get too mad to care
especially after just deciding days before that we didn't want to leave it there
in that state of conscience mind that allows the relationship to decay
because its been neglected and dealt with that way.
what has happened to make it acceptable this long
Its not the way you treat someone you love
It's wrong
He questions everything
constantly questioning me
The guilty eye pointing the finger
resulting derogatory
defined,
destined and doomed
malicious intentional and without consequences
not factual but assumed
The shadowed darkness
that silence hid behind
left behind an angry portion of a man no longer kind
you wont see the mirror
the sun no longer does shine
your total discarding of any feeling
and complete annihilation of and disregard for mine
how can he say them
does he believe them to be true?
If he does then I know I cant believe he ever meant it
when he said "I love you"
he said I was stupid boring and dull,
in an instant got pissed and started being hateful
i dont know where it comes from
it tears me in two
it in't powssible to love someone this much
that hates you that much too.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
a wreck
no steering wheel
get a handle on the bar
but then again the visions
shattered windshields and
dented fenders and nosey onlookers
passerby's hurried fast
and love in my life
and the losers of life
and that u-turn I just passed
ending of beginnings and started to finish last
put a foot forward
smile grin bear it and
ive forgotten how to smile
being with you all the while
laughter faded grass no longer grew
faded flowers undistinguished from the artificial
lost in false reality warped truth hidden from view
you're finally done with pretending
and im thoroughly done with you
loving someone you cant get close to
sadness that defeats the heart
can only lessen the hurting it does
when you keep it farther apart
seatbelt buckled, sunglasses on
crank up the radio and
get to moving on
outlook fresh
look out clean
wiped out versions
of what was intended
and what it really means
alone
Ill pick the direction
and drive as fast as I want
and look upon that passenger that never sat in front
no longer a bicycle just me and a brighter view
cant help but hope for the best as I drive for the last time away from you
get a handle on the bar
but then again the visions
shattered windshields and
dented fenders and nosey onlookers
passerby's hurried fast
and love in my life
and the losers of life
and that u-turn I just passed
ending of beginnings and started to finish last
put a foot forward
smile grin bear it and
ive forgotten how to smile
being with you all the while
laughter faded grass no longer grew
faded flowers undistinguished from the artificial
lost in false reality warped truth hidden from view
you're finally done with pretending
and im thoroughly done with you
loving someone you cant get close to
sadness that defeats the heart
can only lessen the hurting it does
when you keep it farther apart
seatbelt buckled, sunglasses on
crank up the radio and
get to moving on
outlook fresh
look out clean
wiped out versions
of what was intended
and what it really means
alone
Ill pick the direction
and drive as fast as I want
and look upon that passenger that never sat in front
no longer a bicycle just me and a brighter view
cant help but hope for the best as I drive for the last time away from you
Monday, June 6, 2011
Final Chapter
Today I write
A letter to no one in particular that has little chance of ever being read, for its quite shameful in its existence- a final chapter of a book never written, while at the same time a prologue of sorts to the beginning of a new one of entirely different subject matter and of no precedence to require acknowledgement except to serve as a infinite reminder, to no one other than Myself.
It is a difficult Moment. It is Over. It is what it Is…
Everyday, before today, led to this occurrence today. Therefore it comes as no surprise. The “Warning, Caution, Danger and Dead End signs” were clear enough from the start, although set aside once commented on and disregarded continuously despite their “obvious” “Being There”.
Set to the way-side by your misleading perceptions of truth, your varying integrity (of course, situational, and by your seemingly diminishing intent.
No new tragedy has occurred, no new incident of unbecoming behavior has arrived to the scenario, after several hours of intimate deep discussion, the repetition of the same detached attitude comes to surface in an instant of outward aggression of anger without emotional connection hell bent on destroying that which fails to fall under its immediate control and somehow misses complete submission to its dictatorship.
All previously uttered statements of reassurance, accompanied by a self-justified, although stipulated and conditioned, but none the less aiming for direction of positive outcome become decomposing biodegradable foolishness that disappears in an instant. One is left with the bitter acidic foulness of a LIE , willingly told without hesitation, without concern and without any adherence to one’s own proud boasts of impeccable behavior.
You raised your voice. You called me by other than my given name, I believe the endearment was CUNT, You threw things, flipped things over, shattered glass, refusing to lower your voice, calm down or to regain self control-
5 hours of discussing acceptable solutions and behaviors that were not acceptable under any terms…you respond with a hateful uncalled for display of hostility, petty acts of immaturity and absolutely no regard to the conversation we just had.
You want anything and everything of yours back because you never want to see me again, this time we are really Done, even demanding your extra, currently not used by you internet adapter, so that I can’t find you online-, tell me not to call or text, you are going to have me blocked, do not come after you, and not to forget that We ARE Done!!
For about the hundredth time You have left again. You have lied again. Just like 2 days previous, and 3 days before that and countless times prior to that. You aren’t coming back.
Yet you refused to take your dirty cat clawed, hand me down couch that belonged to your ex and your scarred solid wood coffee table that you just moved in earlier this week, although you removed your clothes and the vacuum cleaner the previous time and insisted on wanting your adaptor back, but not concerned with removing your furniture OR giving me my house key back.
You gave me a diamond once, I was going to have it made into a ring…you demanded it back the following day. You have given me other things and taken them back as well, even a weed eater, the 20.00 previously left on the counter, you reclaimed.
You left me with a list of things to do all of them un-done because you said you would do them.
You left me with all the scars of everything you promised you would never do but made certain to execute every painful doing.
You left me with the ever constant reminder that this is nothing new. You do it every time. It has never been any different.
I am reminded of an event taking place that is unbelievable to anyone’s ear upon telling the story- You had installed additional stereo equipment in my car- an amplifier. The first incident of an argument you demanded it back although promising it was mine together or not…and then one day you once again decided it was over and was in process of texting me telling me how stupid I was, a loser, something as low as “FUCK YOU, everyone else has” and sent me packing from your father’s house, the amplifier overheated, in fact it melted smoke billowing out the backseat of my car…you responded with “Call someone who cares!!”
A year of this back and forth, and somehow you convince me that its all me, that I am the reason for all this, and that we treat people how to treat us-You actually believe that I deserve this treatment. You are wrong. I DESERVE to be loved, happy, and content-secure in my relationship and surroundings.
Although I have bended to your stipulations molded to your regulations and continued even though to love you without conditions, without reservation and without judging you your actions,
I can forget and forgive no longer, and no longer is the Welcome sign in place.
I have never been able to count on you and I won’t ever forget that or think that I can- No matter what you may and try to otherwise convince me.
Painfully the signs are lit up like billboards- now- STOP –DO NOT ENTER and NO U-TURN!
A letter to no one in particular that has little chance of ever being read, for its quite shameful in its existence- a final chapter of a book never written, while at the same time a prologue of sorts to the beginning of a new one of entirely different subject matter and of no precedence to require acknowledgement except to serve as a infinite reminder, to no one other than Myself.
It is a difficult Moment. It is Over. It is what it Is…
Everyday, before today, led to this occurrence today. Therefore it comes as no surprise. The “Warning, Caution, Danger and Dead End signs” were clear enough from the start, although set aside once commented on and disregarded continuously despite their “obvious” “Being There”.
Set to the way-side by your misleading perceptions of truth, your varying integrity (of course, situational, and by your seemingly diminishing intent.
No new tragedy has occurred, no new incident of unbecoming behavior has arrived to the scenario, after several hours of intimate deep discussion, the repetition of the same detached attitude comes to surface in an instant of outward aggression of anger without emotional connection hell bent on destroying that which fails to fall under its immediate control and somehow misses complete submission to its dictatorship.
All previously uttered statements of reassurance, accompanied by a self-justified, although stipulated and conditioned, but none the less aiming for direction of positive outcome become decomposing biodegradable foolishness that disappears in an instant. One is left with the bitter acidic foulness of a LIE , willingly told without hesitation, without concern and without any adherence to one’s own proud boasts of impeccable behavior.
You raised your voice. You called me by other than my given name, I believe the endearment was CUNT, You threw things, flipped things over, shattered glass, refusing to lower your voice, calm down or to regain self control-
5 hours of discussing acceptable solutions and behaviors that were not acceptable under any terms…you respond with a hateful uncalled for display of hostility, petty acts of immaturity and absolutely no regard to the conversation we just had.
You want anything and everything of yours back because you never want to see me again, this time we are really Done, even demanding your extra, currently not used by you internet adapter, so that I can’t find you online-, tell me not to call or text, you are going to have me blocked, do not come after you, and not to forget that We ARE Done!!
For about the hundredth time You have left again. You have lied again. Just like 2 days previous, and 3 days before that and countless times prior to that. You aren’t coming back.
Yet you refused to take your dirty cat clawed, hand me down couch that belonged to your ex and your scarred solid wood coffee table that you just moved in earlier this week, although you removed your clothes and the vacuum cleaner the previous time and insisted on wanting your adaptor back, but not concerned with removing your furniture OR giving me my house key back.
You gave me a diamond once, I was going to have it made into a ring…you demanded it back the following day. You have given me other things and taken them back as well, even a weed eater, the 20.00 previously left on the counter, you reclaimed.
You left me with a list of things to do all of them un-done because you said you would do them.
You left me with all the scars of everything you promised you would never do but made certain to execute every painful doing.
You left me with the ever constant reminder that this is nothing new. You do it every time. It has never been any different.
I am reminded of an event taking place that is unbelievable to anyone’s ear upon telling the story- You had installed additional stereo equipment in my car- an amplifier. The first incident of an argument you demanded it back although promising it was mine together or not…and then one day you once again decided it was over and was in process of texting me telling me how stupid I was, a loser, something as low as “FUCK YOU, everyone else has” and sent me packing from your father’s house, the amplifier overheated, in fact it melted smoke billowing out the backseat of my car…you responded with “Call someone who cares!!”
A year of this back and forth, and somehow you convince me that its all me, that I am the reason for all this, and that we treat people how to treat us-You actually believe that I deserve this treatment. You are wrong. I DESERVE to be loved, happy, and content-secure in my relationship and surroundings.
Although I have bended to your stipulations molded to your regulations and continued even though to love you without conditions, without reservation and without judging you your actions,
I can forget and forgive no longer, and no longer is the Welcome sign in place.
I have never been able to count on you and I won’t ever forget that or think that I can- No matter what you may and try to otherwise convince me.
Painfully the signs are lit up like billboards- now- STOP –DO NOT ENTER and NO U-TURN!
Saturday, May 28, 2011
brief
Time
im doing it without you
LIFE
you are living without me
surviving a reality
never supposed to be
you are blinded by this strange hostility
and things you care not to see
ive loved you without restraints
resentments or controls
and sadly love you still
unfortunately you cant love me
without conditions
and you probably never will
a life we planned on together
seperated by the things you have done to sever
the opposite of love isn't hate
although you find that hard to tell
most certainly it is indifference
and you have taught me well
im doing it without you
LIFE
you are living without me
surviving a reality
never supposed to be
you are blinded by this strange hostility
and things you care not to see
ive loved you without restraints
resentments or controls
and sadly love you still
unfortunately you cant love me
without conditions
and you probably never will
a life we planned on together
seperated by the things you have done to sever
the opposite of love isn't hate
although you find that hard to tell
most certainly it is indifference
and you have taught me well
Monday, March 28, 2011
Lonely drive
I took by myself,
but of course let you
manipulation
pretty simple
your distorted view.
no words of anger, in fact no feeling at all
cold hard and stoney -a wall
tired of a lifestyle thats become a usual thing
this will be the last of the them
just another fling
a parking lot as vacant as feelings in your heart
and empty gas tank a fukked off relationship
and a broke down car that wont start
but im not broken
im feeling rather strong
and looking forward to this journey
I should have taken all along
what created this chasm
ill never understand
back and forth
like a rubber band
one minute on
the next minute out
fighting for the love of it
pretending to work it out
your actions say so clearly
the thoughts you fail to speak
and once again future is history
forever has come and gone
inside of a week
always your course of action
to end it now we're done
so many ways it could be handled
yet you only know the one
no matter what the fight is
your stance results the same
Im tired of trying too tired to fight
too tired to play this game
ive never been so alone
on a bicycle built for two
and thank my lucky stars
although I have had my head up my ass
but my eyes constantly in the rear-view
the sun is rising
my spirits will eventually soar
as i pack my bags of eternity
on the road to never more
keys, gas, and attitude in check
my mind my heart, myself
I'm in my car
and I'm a total wreck
what a farce
fake replica of what I do not know
once again you packed my shit
and told me to go
be it childish or immature
promising different than it were
you want a summertime girlfriend
I am no longer her
at your convenience at your request
I always tried I did my best
doesn't matter never did
responding with bitterness
i wish you had somehow hid
for all those nights you made me cry
and promises oto never give up or say goodbye
we told each other its worth our time
but in the end you only chose to be wasting mine
grow up get real
learn how to love
and what IT MEANS TO FEEL
YOU GET angry so mad you wanna hurt
Treating me like a pice of shit and bury me in the dirt
but of course let you
manipulation
pretty simple
your distorted view.
no words of anger, in fact no feeling at all
cold hard and stoney -a wall
tired of a lifestyle thats become a usual thing
this will be the last of the them
just another fling
a parking lot as vacant as feelings in your heart
and empty gas tank a fukked off relationship
and a broke down car that wont start
but im not broken
im feeling rather strong
and looking forward to this journey
I should have taken all along
what created this chasm
ill never understand
back and forth
like a rubber band
one minute on
the next minute out
fighting for the love of it
pretending to work it out
your actions say so clearly
the thoughts you fail to speak
and once again future is history
forever has come and gone
inside of a week
always your course of action
to end it now we're done
so many ways it could be handled
yet you only know the one
no matter what the fight is
your stance results the same
Im tired of trying too tired to fight
too tired to play this game
ive never been so alone
on a bicycle built for two
and thank my lucky stars
although I have had my head up my ass
but my eyes constantly in the rear-view
the sun is rising
my spirits will eventually soar
as i pack my bags of eternity
on the road to never more
keys, gas, and attitude in check
my mind my heart, myself
I'm in my car
and I'm a total wreck
what a farce
fake replica of what I do not know
once again you packed my shit
and told me to go
be it childish or immature
promising different than it were
you want a summertime girlfriend
I am no longer her
at your convenience at your request
I always tried I did my best
doesn't matter never did
responding with bitterness
i wish you had somehow hid
for all those nights you made me cry
and promises oto never give up or say goodbye
we told each other its worth our time
but in the end you only chose to be wasting mine
grow up get real
learn how to love
and what IT MEANS TO FEEL
YOU GET angry so mad you wanna hurt
Treating me like a pice of shit and bury me in the dirt
Monday, March 21, 2011
Like jeckyl and not unlike Hyde
I do You dont
See the other side
not pointing finger
one places blame
we see the others argument
but dont see it the same.
occASIONALLY A GIVEN
BUT SOMEHOW MISTOOK
one seeing a life line
and the other sees a fishing hook
we call them issues, some might call them snags
This pieced together outfit
is simply tattered rags
we smooth out a section
and mend it back in place
Taking it for granted
that its something we can replace.
often waiting for things we intend to relay
Projecting instead those things in an outburst
That we never meant to say
a picture you paint for me
and when I describe it such a way
telling me thats untrue
because you always have a totally different view
one needs repaint the picture
not argue nonsense all day
how its handled after delivery
is what matters most
not the fact I burned the bread
and you refuse to call it toast
I do You dont
See the other side
not pointing finger
one places blame
we see the others argument
but dont see it the same.
occASIONALLY A GIVEN
BUT SOMEHOW MISTOOK
one seeing a life line
and the other sees a fishing hook
we call them issues, some might call them snags
This pieced together outfit
is simply tattered rags
we smooth out a section
and mend it back in place
Taking it for granted
that its something we can replace.
often waiting for things we intend to relay
Projecting instead those things in an outburst
That we never meant to say
a picture you paint for me
and when I describe it such a way
telling me thats untrue
because you always have a totally different view
one needs repaint the picture
not argue nonsense all day
how its handled after delivery
is what matters most
not the fact I burned the bread
and you refuse to call it toast
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Insignificant Significant
Insignificant significant
Ungrateful bitch
Hold jur tongue, silence the inflicted hurts
Significant bitch
The likes you have not imagined...but believe
The skars you will never see,
The molded manipulated me
The mild mannered never be
Masked in dezignz of skars you’ll never see.
Hold styll
Resist the urge to
No sneeze no sniffle-
Gag your mouth
Choke back the tears
Little shrunken coward girl
In the corner crouched in fear-
Resolve to
Never to,..
Had to
Fall down too
So hopeless,
The cause,
The claws
Retracting-
REFRAIN-Shut thy mouth…don’t fucking speak
Control doesn’t make you superior
Your insistence creates a freak
What means nothing to u
I n Significant even to you
Perhaps, by chance,
Not A deciding factor for you
And be it so of little monetary value
Insufficient as you view.
Although, little worth is hardly true,
,
I didn’t say a word…
Hold the tongue
If you ever doubted-
Know in fact it is true
Substantial damage exists within and behind…
The skars you will never see,
The molded manipulated me
The mild mannered never be
Masked in dezignz of skars you’ll never see.
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